Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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