Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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