we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
