Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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