Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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