I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
