my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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