My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
