Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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