why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
