I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
