I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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