Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
