Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
