Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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