i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize