You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I understand Curling. That high.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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