Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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