Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
