My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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