Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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