Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
