I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
