Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
vagina is talking i cant
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
