as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
