End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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