Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The beer is more important than you right now.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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