My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize