I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
