Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
