the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
