I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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