Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
