I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
