I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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