how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
