margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
