this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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