Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize