I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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