i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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