You work out of a Hotel?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
