i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
