Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
