i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
