The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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