i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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