Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
