You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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