Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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