Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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