omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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