Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
