wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
