My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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