My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
