I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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