Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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