I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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