so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
