Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
