After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
