the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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